Still thinking about:

• IPAD/FIRE?

• Do I sell my small Dell laptop on NewtonFORSale - Ebay - Craig's List?

• Why am I awake and out of bed at 7am every morning?

• What clothes do I take for an Ecuadorian 10 day vacation when they will only let me take a suitcase as big as the purse I carry everyday?......and then Christa tells me to pack light in case I want to buy something there

• How do I keep Billy and Truman out of the Christmas tree until we celebrate Christmas next weekend...I'm starting to think about cages...then I thought...maybe I should take the ornaments off and just let them play?

• Does anyone think of me and thinks CrAZy?

Until next time....

Okay...teach kitty to use the toilet..ya..doesn't work....and that really irritates me.

I find my work days are filled with a lot of angst.  I was able to gain a little self-control and perspective on my own this week during a couple of times I thought my head was going to blow off...that is good...that is improvement...I took my own advice...how you react is totally your choice..you can either let them into your head and control you or you can say the naughty word that I hate less than fart - self talk yourself down and get on with my life, my time, my thoughts.

Thanksgiving to Christmas to New Years really messed me up with sugar.  I'm trying to get a grip.  Last nights WW meeting really helped..."he" and I didn't weigh we just attended..our leader is one of a kind...I have three days off to control this sugar addiction and get back to feeling good.

I'm going to move away from this computer and do something fun now...

Until next time...

First...just for the record...I am not giving up caffeine as a New Year's resolution - I'm on my 3rd tall cup of coffee...as I have over-dramatized in the past...I gave up delicious food, cigarettes and I don't drink to excess or do recreational drugs...I may give up nutrasweet but I'm not giving up my coffee...my daughters and my therapist think I should start drinking herbal tea...::*rolling eyes r-e-a-l-l-y.  I'm not drinking herbal tea.

I think New Years Day should be renamed Drama Day...seriously...can't you just feel the positive vibes from everyone in the atmosphere today.  All the excitement with a new beginning..even the poor suckers who chose to consume too much alcohol..of course, they are trying to exude their poison along with possibly the promise to not drink anymore because they never want to feel this way again?

Who doesn't have hopes and dreams for the new year...some may say that it can't be any worse than 2011 and some may just hope it is better than 2011 others just hope to continue and prosper in 2012...I finally stopped making promises on January 1st...they only produced guilt around 3 in the afternoon...the same way Monday morning and dieting used to spiral downward around 11am.

I hope we can keep the enthusiasm for life and for the new beginning in 2012.....and if we don't...only 364 days until we can do this all over again!

Until next time....

I think Rick Perry is an egotistical nut case...I'm very scared that I look at the conservative candidates for president and the only one I could vote for were there no other choice is Gingrich...yes..Newt the coot...Brian and I were just talking - only feel that way because he has already aired his indiscretions and love for a little strange...if you catch my drift..the other "do as I say not what I do" candidates just haven't had their panty soil revelation yet.

Feeling less than good today...achy all over...don't know if I'm getting sick or old...speaking of old, today is my childhood BFF's birthday...Happy Birthday Lennie..I love it that your birthday comes before mine!!!

Got my kitty paw tat on my days off...Mr. Anti-tattoo took me and actually helped design it.  Another one checked off my bucket list. 

Christmas Day, Dave and I sorted thru airline reservations and purchased our flights for Ecuador in February.  We also made a hotel reservation for the 4 of us for the night we arrive in Quito.

Several pieces of junk floating around in my head that I either don't want to make public or it isn't my issue to make public.

Wow..sometimes this life thing is a little painful.

Until next time....

Dogs spent the weekend with their friends at the Newton Animal Rescue League because we went to Kansas City to spend the weekend with Jenny.  I decided this morning that I should probably take Truman along to pick up the dogs because he is overdue on a distemper shot.  Non-cat people do not realize the psych advantage cats have.  I went to the basement to get the carrier...all the time...repeating in my mind...STOP THINKING ABOUT GETTING THE CARRIER.  Then..you must carry the carrier up the stairs like you have no idea what it is...oh...look what jumped into my hand while I was walking up the basement stairs...DO NOT THINK ABOUT THE CARRIER.  They know...the cats know anyway...but somehow if they don't pick up on your vibes..they can play the same game...DON'T LOOK OR THINK ABOUT THE CARRIER AND SHE WILL PROBABLY REALIZE THAT SHE MEANT TO BRING UP fill in the blank.  Most important DO NOT LOOK AT YOUR VICTIM.  DO NOT THINK ABOUT YOUR VICTIM, everything is normal..DO NOT LOOK AT HIM.

ahhhhh. he's hiding behind the coffee table ready to pounce on one of his brothers..quick...grab him from the back...hold tight but DO NOT THINK ABOUT THE CARRIER, YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT HOW TO GET HIM IN THE CARRIER - STOP.  Okay...shall I be human and just open the door and have him walk in....OH NO....Hold on little kittie...set the carrier on end...don't drop the cat, attempt to hold the wild cat's legs and let gravity help...gravity...what gravity...it holds the earth in space and me on the planet but is of absolutely no help in dropping a cat backwards into the carrier.  and then the screaming begins...it's a gutteral scream from way deep inside.  It's the deep scream and cry of a man deep in the woods who just fell into a very deep hole.  That sounds horrible...but so does the poor little 13 pound kitty caught in a cat carrier - imagine that scream in the confines of the truck on the 15 minute drive to the vet.  DON'T THINK ABOUT THE SHOT AND DO NOT THINK ABOUT THE WHOLE THERMOMETER EXPERIENCE...

Until next time......

This is the night view from our room at the Tan Tar A Resort at Osage Beach, MO..I'm sure in the AM it is going to be beautiful.  This is just a little weekend get-away to a place we thought would be warm..uh..NO.  At least we don't have to go outside...everything is connected...the fact that it is so far around and that you had better leave your room in building A very early in the morning to make your way around to Building D by nightfall.  We took the tour tonight after we got settled in our room.  We have a coed massage scheduled for 10 am...it's a good thing we found our way around tonight.  I took a picture of the room especially for @Tracy.
Things I noticed today.
The grass is greener in Missouri
You can get anywhere with the navigation equipment on your phone
You cannot get everywhere with the navigation equipment on your car
There are still some places without cell phone coverage
His double sneeze while in the car scares me to death!!!

Until next time...

I seem to have rather frequent Ah - Ha moments now.  I'm thinking, perhaps, as you clear out the crap in your mind,  the good stuff has more room to circulate.  It only makes sense.  Sometimes I actually wonder if I'm the only one that these things just come to...that everyone else is ::eye rolling:: and thinkin' well, ya NINA....

We painted two walls in the living room yesterday.  It was a an awesome shade of green - I loved it - but the room is very dark..lots of windows on the east side but the light is extremely filtered by trees...it is a little better in the winter..but not much.  "He" and I complain about it frequently so it is now a flat - darker than off white but lighter than taupe color.  I would have gone a little darker, but he reminded me that we are going lighter.

Yesterday was a very fun day for me.  He hates to paint, but he was an absolute saint about it.  He only got "bitchy" while trimming the last few feet of wall.  He listened to my IPOD music, he laughed at my jokes, we had some good conversations...it was just us...well, and Franny.  Marley wanted to be outside and all 5 cats were in the basement because cats/paint/paws absolutely do not mix.  Getting to my point in a second....I fixed him supper because I wanted to fix him supper, not because we had to eat.  I told him how much I appreciated him helping me and doing it so pleasantly...I did some of this sitting on the couch drinking coffee while I waited for him to get ahead of me trimming.  What I realized....really realized for the first time...there are very few things I don't like about "him".  In fact, there are only just a couple...okay...maybe 3...but it hit me yesterday...The things I like about him far outnumber the things I find irritating about him...I had never thought of that before...seriously...when he's good, he's really good...but when he is bad...he really irritates me...but after all these years, the bad just isn't that bad anymore...but the good keeps getting better.

Oh..and I can barely grip a pen today because my hands hurt so bad from holding the roller..and my hip on the right side is killing me along with my left knee from climbing up and down off the ladder..but that hasn't dampened my spirit at all about painting.

I heard that Phil.

For the most part, it is safe to say that my overblown reaction to some of the people who continuously call for police assistance ie.  8 year old who won't go to bed, SERIOUSLY.  My ??? is harrassing me by calling me on the phone, DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE, THEY WILL GET TIRED OF THE RING.  So and so and I are getting a divorce and he/she is trying to take my car, DO YOU HAVE A DIVORCE DECREE...no...IS THE CAR REGISTERED TO BOTH OF YOU..yes but I'm making the payments...DO YOU HAVE AN ATTORNEY...no...HAVE YOU FILED FOR DIVORCE...well, no.  (Will you be back together before the week is up)?  (can't ask that one)...anyway, my total irritation at these people is genuine but perhaps a bit blown up because they bring out the same emotions I used to feel when Helen would call for the 3rd time in one night because she couldn't get the remote to work and we won't show her how...ARE YOU KIDDING ME, RESENTMENT, RESENTMENT, RESENTMENT.  My today problem makes me feel like my head is going to blow off this much *     *  which actually  triggers the much more dramatic reaction to Helen which was this much
*                                                                                                                                                                         *

To go along with that, I learned that eating and sex are the two pleasurable activities that have remained in us thru eons of evolution.  Unfortunately in order to soften my anger during an explosive event, I think about eating because it gives me pleasure.  I guess at work, eating is okay...having sex everytime I got pissed might be frowned upon...but I'd be popular

This was a huge breakthru...does this help anyone else or am I just a dunce who never thought about connections like this?

Until next time....

No...I'm not naked.

I've been in a total funk since Thanksgiving...This is the first holiday funk I've ever had...Our family kind of developed a Christmas curse several years ago...I call it a curse for lack of a better word...but magical Christmas seasons seemed to wane as the years went by...strokes, heart attacks, broken body parts and dry sockets seem to have a negative affect on joy.  This year is different..I'm not filled with the magical joy, yet wondering what curse is looming.  I am apathetic.  So be it.

I startle easily, loud unwelcome noise like "his" music can have me abundantly pissy at high noon.  At different times, my girls and I have discussed our reflexive rage or total shut down.  Jenny found a book, "The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine Aron.  I'm just into it and have found that I have many of the symptoms..will need to read further for understanding.  Being startled for no apparent reason other than someone speaking has always had me wondering what is wrong with me.  Maybe I will learn something.  While at the bookstore, I also picked up the book by Harriet B Braiker, "The Disease to Please".  I'm in total conflict now about which one to read first...last night before falling asleep, I tried to read both...not effective.

I worked late last night trying to clear my angst about a work project...not done...but so close I can almost feel the relief of having it finished.  I came home tired, mentally shot and irritable.  I went to the bedroom early so I could watch two episodes of Housewives of Beverly Hills...those bitches love to argue about nothing..it actually made me feel better...

I'm off today - a bit of shopping - FOR ME...not Christmas shopping, therapy, lunch with Cooper then weigh in at Weight Watchers...It ain't gonna be pretty this week.

Until next time....

Before I start, I'm very thankful.  The list starts, of course, with my immediate family, then my awesome friends and extended family which are actually one in the same...then there are the people who put spice in my life..I don't really know them well but I like to surround myself with their personalities.  Then there are the soldiers new and old who have insured my life and safety, this country which has a lot of disfunction but it is still home of the Free and the Brave.  I'm thankful for my health and the health of my family and friends..even more aware of this thankfulness because of recent events.  I'm truly thankful for the experiences I have had in my life because they made me who I am today..I'm thankful I have the means and opportunity to therapy in order to help me sort out what is normal and what is just that huge knot in my soul caused by Helen.  I'm thankful that I"m learning to roll with it.  I've always given lip-service to rolling with it - but I'm really learning it now.  Accept it and move on or ruminate in it and ruin another second, minute, hour, day, year of my life. 

I use this venue a lot for my own peace of mind and sometimes wonder if I should have more filters; but, that isn't me.  This Thanksgiving is different from the thanksgivings past.  We are doing it different.  Life events which I don't feel I have the right to discuss publicly have caused some change.  A few years ago, I would have stressed out...not about the need for a change, but because what would Helen and Frances say and How do I smooth it over with them.  Now, I can accept change because it is reality...we must move on and make new memories...we must be Thankful for the way it used to be and Thankful that we have a new plan.  It is okay...it is life and I'm very thankful!!