Kind of an emotional day...

First...the Ft Hood situation had a huge impact on me..please don't think I'm lame, but I watch Army Wives and I'm very emotionally attached to it...when the General gave his press conference tonight on CNN I felt sick because Army Wives has given me an idea what it is like on an army base...I know, I know fiction..but if you've never been on an army base, the show enhances the understanding and there has to be some aspects that are true.  I pictured Michael, the general, presenting the information and it made it so real for me.  I thought the General handed perspective to all of us when he said..no, we don't carry weapons..this is our home...I'm trying to just wait until all of the investigation is completed before I believe the worst...I'm feeling like this was not the act of terrorism, but unfortunately the act of a man whose positive and negative wires were fried.  Regardless, it is very painful in our already angry country.

Tomorrow night is a benefit dance and silent auction for a girlfriend's brother who is battling cancer. He and I will be going early because he has to work.  I want to show my support and donate some money but selfishly dreading it because I don't want to deal with his condition and prognosis...this is where that NIKE slogan comes to mind..You don't have to like it, you just have to do it...

Don't read the next paragraph if you have delicate ears to the F word... This is from my Xanga pal, Tracy..I just giggled and giggled because I always am very responsible when internet forms ask for my secret question and answer...and I had no idea that everyone didn't consider this detail to be sacred, but obviously not.........

We are working on a large project.  Part of this process is moving a couple of tens of thousands of accounts from one platform to another.  Here's a request for all of you.  When filling out a sign up form and it asks for your Secret Question & Answer, please remember someone somewhere will probably have to read it...John, I  can't imagine the life you must have had if your childhood nickname was fucker.
Michael - I just don't believe the city government in Augusta would allow the Hospital you were born in to be named Fuck Off.

Just when I thought I had the most fun job on earth, I find out that Tracy gets to deal with this stuff .... and once I again I have giggled.

My friend Rod had to put his dog down this week due to medical reasons...very sad...but tonight, he and his new little puppy found each other at the animal rescue league.  Obviously the little dog desperately needs love and it was so special to see Rod so happy and in love...he didn't think he would get another dog for a while after Warren...but that wonderful relationship between man and dog brought love back into his life.

Until next time...

 

 

It is 12:47 in the morning, I'm at the computer and have the desk top stereo cranked..listening to oldies..93.3 KIOA...the station I listened to before the station and I were oldies...

I worked 3 hours tonight...Alayna called in sick so 3 of us split up the time.  Working OT when you don't have to work an entire shift is painless for me.

As I speak in generalities here, my intent is not to irritate..I'm merely presenting an observation....and my observations may be a bit skewed which I won't get into as anyone who has read me before should be able to understand why I qualify my thoughts. 

The generation which belongs to my children, who have chosen to live life responsibly, really impresses me...in fact, I mentioned to one of them tonight that I wish I had been as squared away when I was that age.  They seem to know what they want and are going for it...Jenny asked me the other day if I had kids because I wanted them or because it was what I was supposed to do...zing...holy, Mother..they have us figured out.  Of course, I don't speak for every 50-60 year old woman here but..ladies out there..isn't it true...we carried around baby dolls and played house and barbies which taught us that we would get married and have children and probably get a job to help make money after the kids started school...perhaps we would be a teacher or a nurse...just like mom.  Some of us made our goal and some of us didn't.  Ain't no mountain high, ain't no valley low, ain't no river wide that could keep me from you... Kids now have impressive career goals..that isn't to say that there aren't kids of this generation who have adhered to the values that we grew up with and are living their lives just the same...I remember how important it was for me to get out there in the job market with only a year of bible college under my belt, yet the most important thing was to raise my children and be there for their boo boos and their support.  I see so many girls today who are after a career..hold off on the kids until they get the base firmed up and feel they are ready to take on the incredible responsibility of children....and then.....

Now that my kids have flown the coop, I'm so confused.  How did I do it all...especially being in this sandwich generation...is it any wonder the percentage of this generations that must rely on anti-depressants or one of the awful habits like drinking, smoking and/or overeating to get them out of bed and thru the day.  I never had my time...It never ocurred to me that these expectation I was living up to were of my own creating...I was my own worst enemy.

I  do find fault with this constant structured life that children have now...but what are these kids going to grow into...Is this structured play time, constant movement spending every night at the ball field, music lessons, dance...is this healthy..will these kids grow up with an imagination ... will they know what to do with themselves without some type of structure...will they be creative or just programmed.  Every generation has their way...I raised my kids different than I was raised and I'm sure they will raise their children different than they were raised and so on.  Perhaps if a child knows that he/she is loved, truly loved and wanted, everything will be okay.... same with us parents of adults...we need to know that we are truly loved and wanted... I hope each generation returns the favor.

Until next time....

What a whirlwind half of year...being with him at Mayo several times, mom's final antics and death, Jenny and Ryan moving away, Aunt Frances' final antics and death...sorting sorting sorting thru the 90+ years of their life from the "stuff" they left behind...I'm not really feeling overwhelmed anymore because time is not an element.  If I die before it is done, I have two daughters to complete the job.  I also adopted another cat in the middle of all of that...he was sort of adopted by Jenny before she moved..he was a stray..she couldn't leave him so we took him..they had named him Winston but I couldn't remember that name so he is now Truman..why that is easier, I have no clue.  Thank goodness he was the last cat because had he been the first cat, we would have just had him.  He's a gigantic kitten..clumsy, makes life hell for the other 4 cats and devil dog, runs like the wind and don't make the mistake of walking by him when he is spread out on the floor thinking he is asleep.  HE IS NOT ASLEEP...he loves to grab things as they go by....

I've been busy sorting, pricing and hauling things into my antique store booth...I love this little job and I may make a little money too.  I've tried to analyze it..but screw that and just enjoy it.  I'm putting jewelry on e-bay now and loving that too...what is wrong with me..I'm enjoying things...

We have an early January appointment scheduled at Mayo Clinic for the removal of his 1 adrenal gland and tumor.  Christmas is coming and I"m getting very excited about it.  Very excited.  I love to decorate for Christmas..I'm not dreading anything this Christmas and may envelope myself in the spirit.

Life is good for me.  I wish it were as good for everyone else that I like and love...but everything in it's own time. 

Until next time....

 

A deep thought here...you really learn about life when you are dealing with death.  A few days ago, I was totally pissed off and bitter about my relationship with Aunt Frances..mainly I was having a pitty party because it seemed that the two maternal adults in my life made  no attempt to cuddle Nina Sue at the death of her parents...the things I have learned 1) we all think about life different and we all think about death different; 2) in their grief - I'm cleary speaking of my mother and my aunt, it was not possible for them to take care of anyone else; 3)Their mother died young - mom was 13 and Aunt Frances was 15 so they are possibly emotionally challenged by the death and who knows how death was dealt with in the 1930's; 4) we are so apart in generations...my parents and Aunt Frances are the age of grandparents to most of my friends; 5)the 4 of us grew as one unit.  Aunt Frances was in our unit..Mom, Dad, Aunt Frances and Nina Sue so I'm guessing no one even considered that I was the little girl in the mix.  6) I go to great lengths to not appear vulnerable, lonely and out of control...thus the thoughts of laying in a bed in my last days being vulnerable, lonely and out of control scares me...fast forward to death here...obviously mother and aunt frances didn't feel this way.  Jeff  aka ghog said the way to solve this problem is with a living will..that is what he did and he also said:

In any case, the main imperative is to make it known what your choices are and where the lines are drawn while you are still healthy. That way, when your time comes, your wishes will be honored. Whether you choose to fight like Aunt Francis or set rules for ending it like I did, individual choice has to be preserved. No government, no family member, no doctor or caregiver should be allowed to make that choice for you. The choice should be yours.

 

Your Aunt wants to fight. Leave her to it. 

Thanks everyone for your comments, your support and your love.  I may find Peace yet...

Until next time....

 

Aunt Frances is totally on my mind..in fact, thinking about blogging, I've been kind of focused on her so can't even think of anything else to talk about.  He and I went to visit her at the hospital tonight.  She has obviously had a stroke...she didn't act like she recognized either of us.  maybe Him.  She held his hand the entire time we were there and attempted to look at him but her eyes kept going sideways and upward.  The nurse said they thought she was possibly going to have another stroke...they haven't been able to find the blockage with an MRI but the damage is obvious.  We went to Aunt Frances' apt before we went to the hospital because her busy body neighbor said I needed to sign some checks.  While I was there she mentioned several times how mad Aunt Frances was because I put mom in hospice...hinted that she was changing her will...after a discussion about where Aunt Frances would be going, I said I thought a hospice house would be much better than hospice in a nursing home...busybodybitch said...Well your aunt wouldn't want to hear that after you sent your mother there.  In an email to family when I got home, I said...my mother was upset with me because I didn't tell her that my dad was going to die.  My Aunt thinks I killed my mother because she thinks I had something to do with her going to hospice..it was the doctor and she agreed...and Aunt Frances is so upset with me that she refused to let the doctor or hospital call to let me know she was in there for 3 weeks...I'm her next of kin.  I'm all she has...now this nosy neighbor who lives next door has the audacity to repeat stories to my face about how my aunt does nothing but whine about what a bad niece I am.  I am pretty positive she and I are going to tangle before this is over and I have no doubt who will win.  She certainly monitored my activities while at Aunt Frances' apartment..I almost felt like she was in charge and I had better wipe my shoes before I entered or I would be in trouble.  I'm sick to death of the excuse that they are old and I should take that into consideration.  My mother and my aunt have always had something missing in their personalities...getting old just made it worse...I'm sick to death of the excuses for bad behavior.  If I weren't so angry, perhaps I would be devastated...these are horrible charges to lay on anyone...especially the adult child everyone is supposed to love....hmmmm